I'll admit to you that the weeks leading up to now have been hard for me. It's been one whole year. In some ways it seems like an eternity, but mostly it feels like it's flown by. One whole year. Life hasn't stopped. The world has not stood still. We've moved on. We've lived. We've done a whole lot.
I am not someone who gets overly sad. I have a tendency to try to make others around me not sad. I do not like touchy-feely or sappy and I am awkward when others are sad. I'm the one cracking jokes in inappropriate situations. I just don't do sad.
But I've been sad over the past few weeks.
Thanksgiving and Christmas passed and I could sort of pretend it wasn't real. He wasn't really gone. He was just away. Out of town. His birthday came and we celebrated it without him because that's what we felt like we needed to do. Even that was ok. Father's Day was tough. He wasn't my real dad, but he was my real parent. And he had been for almost 21 years. Almost 2/3 of my life. Father's Day made me sad. August has been even more sad. In a lot of ways, I think it's because so many things feel the same right now. We're getting ready to go back to school, we're taking end-of-the-summer beach trips. And Emory, a place I would love to never see again in my whole life, has been ALL OVER the news. I can still remember exactly where we parked, how it felt, the way it smelled, what I wore, things we ate.
I think he'd be proud of us one year later. He's actually given us a gift recently, one that I'll tell you all about very soon. Last summer things worked out for us (a new job, a move, being where we needed to be) in a very God-ordained way. I really believe that with every bit of me. Suddenly, a few things are happening in very God-ordained ways again. And they aren't BIG things you'd notice, but the little things. Things just have a way of working out.
So one year later is upon us. And it's sad, but it's okay. We remember him and talk about him all the time. ALL the time. Sadness is part of the healing, I think. We sure do miss him.
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4 comments:
Lauren, my heart and prayers go out to you. Losing a loved one, no matter who they were to you, is never easy. My Granny and Pop passed years ago, and there is not a day I don't still miss them and grieve their absence. They meant the world to me. They were the calm in the midst of the storm. But, I also know there is not a day that they are not watching over me and guiding me still. So often in times of frustration I can hear one of them speak to me. Keep the faith, and listen. You are in my prayers friend.
This is so sweet. I have been thinking of you and your mom lately too - I feel like everything all happened right before AM's birthday and as I am prepping for that, all I can think of is yall and all that this time last year held. Praying for you and your family over the next few weeks! xoxo
I am so sorry, Lauren. I can only imagine. I lost my grandma three months ago and am totally dreading all the holidays and events this year that will make me miss her more. I'm glad to know that it can be survived, even though it is unspeakable painful.
I actually thought about you the other day and how it had to be getting close to a year. I can't imagine how hard it must be. Love you!
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